We all know that the Seattle Mariners have been struggling to draw crowds in the last few years. While The King’s Court is pretty sweet, it is one of the lone bright spots in what is perhaps the most soporific crowd atmosphere in all of baseball. It’s time to inject some of that good ol’ Sodo Mojo back into Safeco Field. Here are 7 surefire ways to make that happen.
1. Allow betting on the hydro races
It’s the most exciting part of going to Safeco Field! Everyone already selects their personal favorite hydro and cheers louder during the race than any part of the game itself, why not make some money off of it? Just like at your neighborhood horse race track, fans can place their money bets before the race begins. The best part is, the Mariners can fix every single race, and can make as much cash off of the event as they choose on a given night.
2. Turn The Pen into a night club
Hundreds of undergrads, bros and ladies in their Gutierrez jerseys go to Mariners games for one reason and one reason only: to get drunk in The Pen. They don’t watch the game, they don’t care about the game and most of the time they have no idea what is going on. I personally attended Phil Humber’s perfect game this season and have some acquaintances who were also at Safeco that day. I kid you not, some went straight to The Pen and never returned, and some left before the game was over. Why would they leave in the middle of a perfect game? Because you can’t buy beer after the 7th inning. The Pen is basically a bar. So why not just go all out and turn it into a full on night club? Bouncers, dress code, VIP tables, live music. Give players their own sections to come party at after the game. Turn the bullpen into an area to play beer pong with the pitchers. This would undoubtedly turn into the hottest ticket in town.
3. Show Hollywood blockbusters during the game
Drive-In movie theaters seem to be going extinct. In my opinion, watching a movie under the stars is incredibly underrated. I think Safeco Field should become the first baseball stadium to also show summer blockbusters during the games. When Felix is pitching, show silent movies, like The Artist. When anyone else is pitching, screen The Avengers, Spiderman, The Dark Knight Rises. Many individuals complain that baseball is boring and slow, but this is a sure way to guarantee action at Safeco for all nine innings. When I spill popcorn on the ground in movie theaters, I feel bad. When I want to stand up and cheer during scenes, I don’t have the balls to do it, because I’m in a movie theatre. But at Safeco I would be able to yell as loud as I want, use my cellphone during the movie as much as I want and throw peanuts and popcorn on the ground anywhere I want.
4. Turn the grounds crew into a dance crew
If there is one thing that fans at Safeco love almost as much as the hydro races, it’s the dancing grounds crew. It’s fun for fans who have never seen it before, but for those of us who have seen it a dozen times, I think we can all agree that it’s time to spice it up. If the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders can get their own reality show, why can’t the Seattle Mariners dancing grounds crew? Don’t limit their performance to one inning, let them dance EVERY inning. I can’t imagine that their uniforms provide the best range of motion to break it down in front of thousands of people, so they would definitely need a costume change. Skimp it up a bit. Put Bob Christofferson in some short jeans shorts and the ladies will swoon. From now on, when date night rolls around and the Mrs. wants to drag you to go see movies like Magic Mike, you would have no problem convincing her that there is just as good of a dance show for her at Safeco Field.
5. Liven up the home run celebrations
Everyone, besides Jason Vargas, digs the long ball. Unfortunately, fans in Seattle don’t get to experience very many dingers in the cozy confines of Safeco Field. Some stadiums across the country celebrate their home runs with signature sights and sounds. The Yankees blast the The Who/Westminster Chimes siren that haunts me in my sleep. The Mets have their apple. The Marlins have this thing. No idea what the Mariners do because I haven’t seen a Mariner home run in person for about 8 years, but I know what they should do: throw a parade and let everyone shoot off firewords. Play would stop for about an hour, 30 minutes for every fan in attendance to parade around the warning track throwing confetti and lighting fireworks, and the remaining 30 minutes would be used to allow the grounds crew to get the field back into playable condition. Combining three of America’s favorite things, parades, fireworks and homeruns, and you have yourself a spectacle that baseball fans from around the world will travel to see.
6. Install a zip line
Northwest Trek, the wildlife park in Eatonville, WA, is promoting and building a brand new zip line in their park. People love zip lines. I’ve only been on one in my life, and it was pretty damn high up in the air. I’d imagine they are much more entertaining high up in the air. The Mariners have trouble filling the seats high up in the air in the upper decks of Safeco Field. The solution seems obvious to me. Install a zip line that fans can soar over the field, during the game, from one side of the 300 level to the next. If a ball hits a zipping fan, it is still in play, much like the catwalk in Tropicana Field.
7. Build a Kings Court
Stadiums put some weird things near and beyond their outfield walls. Hills and poles. Swimming pools. Giant slides. Trains. But I think Seattle can top them all. Our city just so happens to be looking for a place for a potential NBA team to play. Let’s build a basketball court in center field! There are plenty of suites for both teams to share, the basketball court would never have to worry about home runs coming into play, and parking and traffic would be a non-issue! With the arena situation in Sacramento looking bleak, Safeco Field definitely has room for two Kings’ Courts.
Extra Shkinny 