Why I, Sadly, Am Rooting So Hard Against the OKC Thunder

Monday night I was asked why I was rooting so hard against the Oklahoma City Thunder. I have been thinking about that question all day, and while I am not incredibly proud of my reasons, allow me to present them to you.

Last Saturday, the Mavericks played the Thunder in Oklahoma City in game one of their 2012 NBA Playoffs opening round matchup. I watched this game from start to finish, and I cannot remember the last time I was so emotionally invested in a professional sporting event. I am not a diehard Dallas Mavericks fan (love you Dirk!). I am an not an obnoxious Oklahoma City bandwagon fan. I was emotional because I am an obnoxious, jealous and bitter Seattle Supersonics fan.

Friday evening, the night before Game 1, us Seattle fans got to enjoy arguably the most exciting Mariners game of the season. It was fun. Watching your favorite team win an exciting game is fun. Just as the game was ending, my lovely overpriced cable provider reminded me that Sonicsgate was airing on CNBC. I’ve seen the fantastic film many-a-times and of course I wanted to watch and support it while it was airing on national television. So I turned the documentary on and the fun was immediately sucked from the room. Sonicsgate is not a fun flick. It is a documentary made to educate, inform and warn sports fans across the country, and it is a documentary that saddens, angers and drives Seattelites to consume alcohol. I’ve watched plenty of Thunder games before, but I have never watched a Thunder game with Sonicsgate so fresh in my mind. Saturday night, it was not fun watching the Thunder beat the Mavericks in such an exciting professional basketball game. In fact, it is never fun watching the Thunder win a professional basketball game.

"Sorry Kevin"

I no longer have my own NBA team to root for. When the Thunder left, I didn’t follow them. I disagree with Jay-Z, jealousy is not just a female trait. If he switched up his lyrics and defined jealousy as male trait, then I would be the manliest dude alive. I’m jealous that a city that I can’t point out on a map gets to watch one of the greatest scorers in NBA history on a nightly basis instead of Seattle. I’m jealous that they get to watch live, exciting, winning basketball in person in some arena that has more luxury boxes than our arena has. I’m jealous that they get to chant that chant that makes me wince: “OKC! OKC! OKC!” I’m jealous of all of the Thunder “fans” who live in Seattle that sadly pledged their allegiance to Durant and co. that get joy from Thunder success. Most of these “fans” know how many of their NBA following friends they can piss off when they voice their approval and support of OKC, so they do it as often and as obnoxiously as possible. #THUNDERUP!!! When I root against the Thunder, it’s not because I don’t want to see Kevin Durant succeed (there is still a piece of my heart that is attached to #35) it is because I don’t want to see the franchise, the owner of the franchise, the Thunder fans and the Thunder “fans” win an NBA championship with my team. With OUR team.

Jealousy often turns into anger and bitterness. I admit that this has become the case for me and my feelings towards the Thunder, and I am not proud of it. There are many NBA fans out there that hate Kobe and the Lakers, or Lebron and the Heat. These fans will undoubtedly root passionately against LA and Miama all throughout the playoffs. But for me, if and when the time comes that OKC faces either of those two villainous teams, the Mavericks, or any other NBA contender, you can be sure that I will bitterly and jealously be rooting for them to defeat the Thunder. Sorry Kevin. #ThunderDown

A Lesson in Cockblocking: Brought to You By the Seattle Mariners & Kate Upton

There are a number of rules and regulations involved in the official bro code, but there is only one golden bro rule: never, under any circumstance, cockblock a fellow bro.

Not sure what cockblocking entails? Allow me to break it down. Your first love up and moved to a new city a few years back, and ever since then you haven’t been having much luck in the romance department. You think of yourself as a pretty good catch, but for some reason, all of the most eligible bachelorettes simply are not interested. That all changes one day when you get a call from a bro. This bro speaks not only of a party that he thinks you should attend, but also of a member of the opposite sex who will be at this shindig that is “very interested in you.”

When you arrive at the party and your bro introduces you to this lady friend he previously spoke of, you can’t believe your eyes. You don’t even have any beer goggles on yet, but this young woman is definitely on the “in your dreams” level. On a scale of 1-10, this girl is a Kate Upton. The second best thing is, she’s in to you, big time. The first best thing is, she has a best friend, who is not only also interested in you, but is willing to share you. What? This can’t be happening. Good things like this never happen to our city, er I mean, to you.

"On a scale of 1-10, this girl is a Kate Upton"

As usual, the scenario quickly proves too good to be true. That acquaintance who’s on the obnoxious side and always thinks of you as his pal enters the scene. He’s one of those guys who will claim he’s your friend, and will then leave you hanging to pay for his tab because he “accidentally” forgot his wallet. He’s a cheapskate. He always gets your hopes up and always let’s you down. He makes false promises he can’t keep. And even though he always tries his very best to impress everyone, you can always see right through it.

This dude sees you talking to the girls, and enters cockblock mode. He comes over and starts telling them stories of the time you got too drunk and pissed on your couch. He says it would never work between yourself and either of the ladies because you only have one parking space at your apartment and there would be nowhere to park their cars when they came over to spend the night. He tells the ladies, if other girls see them talking to you, females will lose interest in him, even though the truth of the matter is, they lost interest in him because he is boring. He even says something idiotic about the amount of “chick traffic” this could prevent from coming in and out of his frat house. These are all ridiculous things for even the worst of the cockblockers to say. Yet they are not nearly as ridiculous as the cockblockers who are trying to prevent our city of Seattle from potentially getting our very own hockey and basketball playing Kate Uptons.

There is no bigger turn off in a friend or an obnoxious bro acquaintance than when they engage in cockblock mode. And for a team that I’ve loved my whole life, there is no bigger turn off than seeing them try to block the arrival of something else that myself and thousands of others love. So, for all current and future Seattle sports organizations, please don’t insult us, disrespect us and treat us like we’re all idiots. And please, whatever you do, don’t break the number one rule in bro code and cockblock the city of Seattle.